2/29/2013

I am not meant for this fucking world. I miss him and want him so bad, I try and hide it. Everyone thinks I'm so strong and all that bullshit. I am not. No one ever will know or will ever find out. I am starving myself. I promised Nick I wouldn't self harm. I'm not. Not eating isn't a form of self harm. I'm sick too, so I puke up any calories I get in the day whether it be drinks or such. I hopefully will die, and if not at least I am skinny. Maybe one day he will want me back. I was so desperate to just be able to look at him, I made a fake Instagram. Of course he deleted all the photos of me, but some of my comments are still there and it tears me apart. I will never love again, and until the day I die I will be waiting for him. Like sisyphus I am bound to hell.

9/28/2013

I am waiting for a moment that will never come for him to give me a chance, I don't deserve. I just can't keep doing this and it's only been two days. Why?

9/26/2013

I take back everything, I love him. Please don't let him leave me.

9/24/2013

While he phyically feels like he's rotting, I feel like I'm being torn...

Torn, shredded like a thin fabric from the inside, out

But here I am just letting him tell me how it feels.
I hate being in love. I always fall in love with people who smile at thought of ripping people's throats out....

While he says he could be a serial killer...
I can barely even stand to punch my sister....

People that could hurt another person make me fucking sick. By people I mean animals too.

Why does this happen to me? I want one normal anchor in my life....
I don't want him leaving me to go back to the mental hospital once again, so I am alone to my thoughts... It WILL kill me, that I'm sure of. It's just a matter of time now...

Someone please stop the feelings. I don't want to feel anything. I want to be a soul-less, thoughtless monster with no remorse....

9/22/2013

I may or not be lesbian.

I don't know anymore. I really don't...

Nick just left me today with his Asian 'friend' Nagi with so much as a "I gotta go." Then he precedes to tell me how rich she is and ect. Before hand I'm already depressed and was wanting to FaceTime him but he was too busy and his brother and his friend were too loud. It's called headphones, going away from the noise....

These girls flirt with me. Jade does. She told me she'd kiss me, and how cute I was. Every time she walks past me at school she grabs my butt/pokes it, and Friday she stole my I-Pod and I had to reach in to her butt pocket to get it back. She also loves to tickle me...

Taitlynn does too.. she tells me how cute I am. She hugs me a lot over chat, and we playfully argue a ton. She has a girlfriend but she doesn't really love her (she told me), and she's at YBGR right now.

A Conversation of Taitlynn and me~

We are arguing on whether my rambling is cute or annoying. I am saying yes it's annoying she is saying no its cute.

"

-pokes- Yes

 

 

-pokes back- Nyu

 

 

YESSSSH -pokes again-

 

 

Nyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu\

Now that is annoying >:) I WIN 

"

I hate my life. I'm so confused.