11/30/2013

I keep trying to kill myself, and every time I under-do it. I am scared to die but really it is the only way out now. No one really cares, they just don't want me dying.

11/25/2013

Just got out of the psych ward...

Three things on my mind:

Stop thinking. Just stop. I think about him and I just start shaking, breathing heavily, and crying. I'm so pathetic.

I want to go back. I miss it there. I'm not totally haunted by memories and if I am someone there will calm me down and give me meds if necessary.

Suicide. I can't ever get him out of my mind or my heart. PATHETIC. It's just memories. Memories. Memories. Memories when I first skyped him and I was so awkward that I just said "Nice knee..." Memories of Zink, I miss that little zebra.

Why can't I get over him? Or why can't I just give up? I am tired of this. So fucking tired.

That and I can only have my i-Pod for one hour a day. I can't handle that.

11/10/2013

Tired of being a choice...
that never gets chosen.
I still miss him.... and it's George's birthday <3 I miss you.

11/3/2013

"
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me"

Pretty much describes me. I like this one girl but I'm so sickly afraid that I just lose it and forget I even like her. I hate myself. I deserve every fucking cut that ends up on my thighs. I never sleep either, just me and my thoughts. My thoughts consume me. My regrets tear me apart. You tear me apart. Yet you aren't even effected by me being gone... and I guess that just kills me even more. I want to cut myself to sleep.. and tomorrow is my suicide date. I can't chicken out not this time. I have nothing left to lose. This is it I guess. After 16 years, I am done. It honestly feels so good to say this is it. That I don't have to deal with any more shit ever again. I hope no one misses me... because missing someone hurts, at least they know it wasn't a choice in the sense even if I wanted to talk to them, I can't. I wish I could say the same...

11/1/2013

Single once again. No big surprise there. I need to give up on finding someone that will actually ever care about me. In this world, it's use or be used. Love fails.

"The constant reminder is still there, a month and three days. The tears still fall when I think too hard about it. I did learn one thing though; never hold a person to their promise, and if you promise someone to never leave. Never go..."

My facebook status, pretty much describes it. The fact he hasn't bothered to check on me or anything. I'm just a regret to him. Yet he is the only thing keeping me alive.

Funny how things work in the end; the people you thought truly cared about you all leave... and you are stuck with haunting memories and broken promises.