10/26/2013

I have a girlfriend.
I came out as lesbian.
I only have brief heart sinkings now about Nick; not full on attacks.
I know I probably will always love him and care...
But I can move on. And I have to.
He's gone...

10/14/2013

I'm not even going to tell you guys that I'm not over him.
Everyone knows, except for my boyfriend.
Yes, I have a boyfriend now. I'm scared he is going to leave me just like Nick. I don't really love him. I like him. He's a sweet guy but he isn't Nick. It's long distance. I never learn.

I threw up again today. I hope I'm losing weight. I need to.

10/13/2013

I am so tired of being used. I was used twice this weekend by two girls. One (Taitlynn) because her girlfriend is cheating on her; she ended up cuddling with me, I was too tired to even move. I never sleep anymore. The other girl (Myranda)  just was lonely and later told me "Hopefully I will have a boyfriend on Monday..." She kissed me three times, we fucked, and was cuddling with me. I just shouldn't have feelings. Not to mention Becca kissed me this weekend too. I'm so tired of it. I miss him.... but he's gone. 100% gone.... and I still cry just thinking about it. I am just a stupid pathetic fuck.Can I please just fucking kill myself? NO ONE CARES, AND I KNOW IT! I'M TIRED OF THIS!!!!! THE LIES, HIM HAUNTING MY THOUGHTS! WHY DO I DESERVE THIS?

I know I hurt him... and I wish I could change it. I really do. But I can't...

I'm back to where I started....

A pathetic, ugly, stupid, fuckup.

 

The Hardest Part is Forgetting Those Who Swore to Never Forget 

I love this song.

10/12/2013

Every day I miss him.

Every day I'm reminded that he isn't coming back.

Everyday I'm told he's moved on, while I am still looking back.

Every day I long to hear his voice say everything will be okay.

Every day another piece of me dies.

I can't get over him... and I can't tell anyone because they have no sympathy... They are like a lot of other people love you.... he wasn't worth it ect. Well he was worth it to me. Even if he never realizes he was to me. I hate feeling. Also hate crying. Also I've lost weight.... even Becca commented on it. I'm becoming skinny. And I'm learning how to control myself. Relapsing is the biggest topic for me right now. I crave the razor.... but I did promise Nick. And I don't want to break another promise to the one person that means the world to me. 

10/10/2013 Update

I am crashing fast.
I don't want to relapse but I know it's happening.
I'm sorry Nick, not that you care or ever will... again.
I am so pathetic someone shoot me.

10/10/2013

I hope he has those moments where a painful memory just wells up inside him...

I'm mean but I want him to know how it feels....

To be completely alone.
                                         To think you actually could trust someone.


Life fucks everyone in the end.

10/8/2013

It's not my fault. I finally realized that... I'm okay now, I don't need him. Or really want him... he wasn't worth it in the end.

10/7/013

He told me to shut the fuck up and leave him alone yesterday. All I can say is I miss my Nickers and would do anything to have him back again as much as he never ever wants to. I never thought it would end up like this. I'm so pushy and stupid. I wish I could take it all back and be able to call him mine. He is really is my everything. I haven't slept alone yet, I still sleep with my mom. I feel bad for my dad because he ends up sleeping on the couch or chair. Everyone keeps telling me to get over him and move on. I can't. Or they are saying how lucky he was and that they'd date me. I just want THEM to shut the fuck up. They don't understand; no one understands anymore. I won't leave Nick. I did that too much over the year that we dated and I will not ever do it again. Even if he never comes back... I just hope Nagi doesn't love him like I do. Otherwise it's going to be a long wait not that I'm not willing to wait. I will wait forever if I have to. I'm still really sick too, first time really eating last night and I threw up four times. I am kinda glad that it's happening though. Maybe it will help me lose some weight. My goal weight is 100 pounds. No one cares if I lose it now, so I might as well. It also gives me something to focus on. Anyway I'm done writing for today... I have to go to school .-. I hate school. It reminds me of him and with Austin all over me I can't even fucking think.

10/5/2013

I pretend to be strong... I miss him. I know everyone knows it buts its all I can say or do. He doesn't care, he loves Nagi. Not me... I'm so sick too. I have a fever and want to throw up... I hope he comes back to me one day... I can't stand life without him.

10/1/2013

I still miss him. I don't care if he is different or if I am. We both can restart, start off as friends and learn to love again.

On a different note, I got my bottom braces off and my hair dyed.