12/22/2013

Another visit to the psych ward... I only spent three days there.
I really tried to kill myself. Countless pills. Whiskey. I threw up blood in the toilet and then passed out. I awoke when my parents came home. They took me to the hospital. Then the psych ward...

Now I'm in Partial, which is like a daytime psych ward program. I wonder what Nick would think if he saw what I've become. It actually makes me smile. I sacrificed my sanity for his happiness, even if I'm lesbian. Just knowing he is alive and happy, and wants nothing to do with me. Kills me.

I no longer have my i-pod and limited access on the computer. So posting will be tough....

Tonight I cut, and this time it was different. I just cut deep and quick. No hesitation. My wrist still bleeds. It bleed through my bandages and for a moment I thought I'd gone too far. I used a tourniquet which happened to be a Christmas sock. Funny, three days till Christmas and I wish I were dead. Still. Three months, and still dying. But alive.

11/30/2013

I keep trying to kill myself, and every time I under-do it. I am scared to die but really it is the only way out now. No one really cares, they just don't want me dying.

11/25/2013

Just got out of the psych ward...

Three things on my mind:

Stop thinking. Just stop. I think about him and I just start shaking, breathing heavily, and crying. I'm so pathetic.

I want to go back. I miss it there. I'm not totally haunted by memories and if I am someone there will calm me down and give me meds if necessary.

Suicide. I can't ever get him out of my mind or my heart. PATHETIC. It's just memories. Memories. Memories. Memories when I first skyped him and I was so awkward that I just said "Nice knee..." Memories of Zink, I miss that little zebra.

Why can't I get over him? Or why can't I just give up? I am tired of this. So fucking tired.

That and I can only have my i-Pod for one hour a day. I can't handle that.

11/10/2013

Tired of being a choice...
that never gets chosen.
I still miss him.... and it's George's birthday <3 I miss you.

11/3/2013

"
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me"

Pretty much describes me. I like this one girl but I'm so sickly afraid that I just lose it and forget I even like her. I hate myself. I deserve every fucking cut that ends up on my thighs. I never sleep either, just me and my thoughts. My thoughts consume me. My regrets tear me apart. You tear me apart. Yet you aren't even effected by me being gone... and I guess that just kills me even more. I want to cut myself to sleep.. and tomorrow is my suicide date. I can't chicken out not this time. I have nothing left to lose. This is it I guess. After 16 years, I am done. It honestly feels so good to say this is it. That I don't have to deal with any more shit ever again. I hope no one misses me... because missing someone hurts, at least they know it wasn't a choice in the sense even if I wanted to talk to them, I can't. I wish I could say the same...

11/1/2013

Single once again. No big surprise there. I need to give up on finding someone that will actually ever care about me. In this world, it's use or be used. Love fails.

"The constant reminder is still there, a month and three days. The tears still fall when I think too hard about it. I did learn one thing though; never hold a person to their promise, and if you promise someone to never leave. Never go..."

My facebook status, pretty much describes it. The fact he hasn't bothered to check on me or anything. I'm just a regret to him. Yet he is the only thing keeping me alive.

Funny how things work in the end; the people you thought truly cared about you all leave... and you are stuck with haunting memories and broken promises.

10/26/2013

I have a girlfriend.
I came out as lesbian.
I only have brief heart sinkings now about Nick; not full on attacks.
I know I probably will always love him and care...
But I can move on. And I have to.
He's gone...

10/14/2013

I'm not even going to tell you guys that I'm not over him.
Everyone knows, except for my boyfriend.
Yes, I have a boyfriend now. I'm scared he is going to leave me just like Nick. I don't really love him. I like him. He's a sweet guy but he isn't Nick. It's long distance. I never learn.

I threw up again today. I hope I'm losing weight. I need to.

10/13/2013

I am so tired of being used. I was used twice this weekend by two girls. One (Taitlynn) because her girlfriend is cheating on her; she ended up cuddling with me, I was too tired to even move. I never sleep anymore. The other girl (Myranda)  just was lonely and later told me "Hopefully I will have a boyfriend on Monday..." She kissed me three times, we fucked, and was cuddling with me. I just shouldn't have feelings. Not to mention Becca kissed me this weekend too. I'm so tired of it. I miss him.... but he's gone. 100% gone.... and I still cry just thinking about it. I am just a stupid pathetic fuck.Can I please just fucking kill myself? NO ONE CARES, AND I KNOW IT! I'M TIRED OF THIS!!!!! THE LIES, HIM HAUNTING MY THOUGHTS! WHY DO I DESERVE THIS?

I know I hurt him... and I wish I could change it. I really do. But I can't...

I'm back to where I started....

A pathetic, ugly, stupid, fuckup.

 

The Hardest Part is Forgetting Those Who Swore to Never Forget 

I love this song.

10/12/2013

Every day I miss him.

Every day I'm reminded that he isn't coming back.

Everyday I'm told he's moved on, while I am still looking back.

Every day I long to hear his voice say everything will be okay.

Every day another piece of me dies.

I can't get over him... and I can't tell anyone because they have no sympathy... They are like a lot of other people love you.... he wasn't worth it ect. Well he was worth it to me. Even if he never realizes he was to me. I hate feeling. Also hate crying. Also I've lost weight.... even Becca commented on it. I'm becoming skinny. And I'm learning how to control myself. Relapsing is the biggest topic for me right now. I crave the razor.... but I did promise Nick. And I don't want to break another promise to the one person that means the world to me. 

10/10/2013 Update

I am crashing fast.
I don't want to relapse but I know it's happening.
I'm sorry Nick, not that you care or ever will... again.
I am so pathetic someone shoot me.

10/10/2013

I hope he has those moments where a painful memory just wells up inside him...

I'm mean but I want him to know how it feels....

To be completely alone.
                                         To think you actually could trust someone.


Life fucks everyone in the end.

10/8/2013

It's not my fault. I finally realized that... I'm okay now, I don't need him. Or really want him... he wasn't worth it in the end.

10/7/013

He told me to shut the fuck up and leave him alone yesterday. All I can say is I miss my Nickers and would do anything to have him back again as much as he never ever wants to. I never thought it would end up like this. I'm so pushy and stupid. I wish I could take it all back and be able to call him mine. He is really is my everything. I haven't slept alone yet, I still sleep with my mom. I feel bad for my dad because he ends up sleeping on the couch or chair. Everyone keeps telling me to get over him and move on. I can't. Or they are saying how lucky he was and that they'd date me. I just want THEM to shut the fuck up. They don't understand; no one understands anymore. I won't leave Nick. I did that too much over the year that we dated and I will not ever do it again. Even if he never comes back... I just hope Nagi doesn't love him like I do. Otherwise it's going to be a long wait not that I'm not willing to wait. I will wait forever if I have to. I'm still really sick too, first time really eating last night and I threw up four times. I am kinda glad that it's happening though. Maybe it will help me lose some weight. My goal weight is 100 pounds. No one cares if I lose it now, so I might as well. It also gives me something to focus on. Anyway I'm done writing for today... I have to go to school .-. I hate school. It reminds me of him and with Austin all over me I can't even fucking think.

10/5/2013

I pretend to be strong... I miss him. I know everyone knows it buts its all I can say or do. He doesn't care, he loves Nagi. Not me... I'm so sick too. I have a fever and want to throw up... I hope he comes back to me one day... I can't stand life without him.

10/1/2013

I still miss him. I don't care if he is different or if I am. We both can restart, start off as friends and learn to love again.

On a different note, I got my bottom braces off and my hair dyed.

2/29/2013

I am not meant for this fucking world. I miss him and want him so bad, I try and hide it. Everyone thinks I'm so strong and all that bullshit. I am not. No one ever will know or will ever find out. I am starving myself. I promised Nick I wouldn't self harm. I'm not. Not eating isn't a form of self harm. I'm sick too, so I puke up any calories I get in the day whether it be drinks or such. I hopefully will die, and if not at least I am skinny. Maybe one day he will want me back. I was so desperate to just be able to look at him, I made a fake Instagram. Of course he deleted all the photos of me, but some of my comments are still there and it tears me apart. I will never love again, and until the day I die I will be waiting for him. Like sisyphus I am bound to hell.

9/28/2013

I am waiting for a moment that will never come for him to give me a chance, I don't deserve. I just can't keep doing this and it's only been two days. Why?

9/26/2013

I take back everything, I love him. Please don't let him leave me.

9/24/2013

While he phyically feels like he's rotting, I feel like I'm being torn...

Torn, shredded like a thin fabric from the inside, out

But here I am just letting him tell me how it feels.
I hate being in love. I always fall in love with people who smile at thought of ripping people's throats out....

While he says he could be a serial killer...
I can barely even stand to punch my sister....

People that could hurt another person make me fucking sick. By people I mean animals too.

Why does this happen to me? I want one normal anchor in my life....
I don't want him leaving me to go back to the mental hospital once again, so I am alone to my thoughts... It WILL kill me, that I'm sure of. It's just a matter of time now...

Someone please stop the feelings. I don't want to feel anything. I want to be a soul-less, thoughtless monster with no remorse....

9/22/2013

I may or not be lesbian.

I don't know anymore. I really don't...

Nick just left me today with his Asian 'friend' Nagi with so much as a "I gotta go." Then he precedes to tell me how rich she is and ect. Before hand I'm already depressed and was wanting to FaceTime him but he was too busy and his brother and his friend were too loud. It's called headphones, going away from the noise....

These girls flirt with me. Jade does. She told me she'd kiss me, and how cute I was. Every time she walks past me at school she grabs my butt/pokes it, and Friday she stole my I-Pod and I had to reach in to her butt pocket to get it back. She also loves to tickle me...

Taitlynn does too.. she tells me how cute I am. She hugs me a lot over chat, and we playfully argue a ton. She has a girlfriend but she doesn't really love her (she told me), and she's at YBGR right now.

A Conversation of Taitlynn and me~

We are arguing on whether my rambling is cute or annoying. I am saying yes it's annoying she is saying no its cute.

"

-pokes- Yes

 

 

-pokes back- Nyu

 

 

YESSSSH -pokes again-

 

 

Nyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu\

Now that is annoying >:) I WIN 

"

I hate my life. I'm so confused.

 

 

8/15/2013

~The Woes of Being Me~

Life has been rather difficult...

1) Nick and me have been fighting a lot

2) I've had so many people in love with me

• Tanner
• Niccole
• Ashleigh
• Jayy
• Isiaih
• Elijah
• Ect.

3) I am so fat I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

4) Cut four days in a row

•  http://instagram.com/p/c9tR7ZoNcQ/

5) I may or may not be in love with Tanner OR I just have feelings for him OR I am insane

6) I had work yesterday for Mary Ann and I have it again today; it's 4:09 A.M and I am still awake

7) My best friend at school Austin has been depressed, he even cut himself

8) I can't find my black nail polish >.<

9) I want coffee NOW

10) School isn't getting here fast enough

7/28/2013

Life is really boring. I miss Nick a lot. He is on a cruise for a few days, so I've been pretty bored and depressed. Played Chicken Smoothie a lot though (if any of you play send me a pm or trade at Emo Tragedy), and was on Instagram and Kik. If anyone of you want to talk to me don't hesitate c: my username is brutalmeows on both Kik and Instagram. My link to my instagram is below:

http://instagram.com/brutalmeows#

Anyways, thats about it. I'm going to start reading and drawing again, and I don't have work tomorrow!!!! YAY!

Thats me. I'm wearing a OMAM shirt <3 I love them, love metal in general actually music for the most part lol. I'm sorry I'm blabbering on about nothing, I'm stupid. Anyway going to go draw and read over and out <3

7/25/2013

Haven't updated in a long time:

A few weeks ago things took a turn for the worst. Nick and me had our worst fight ever, it lasted a week or so, and was the worse thing imaginable. He said he had found someone else, and that I should get over him, I begged him to take me back and he wouldn't. His reason was justified, although he still feels like he was being a dick. I was a mess that week, I cried constantly; everywhere. I cried at Walmart, shopping, dinner, before going to bed, when I showered, when I talked to Nick, at work, at home, so it was really bad. I had to schedule a therapy appointment early because the night before I tried to kill myself. I slit my wrist, and still have a huge blood stain in my mattress. I was sick for the next two days from loss of blood. Anyway we are good now and that is all that matters <3


The summer overall, has been fairly good. A guy I smoked with, a classmate, and a fairly decent nice guy committed suicide last week, Monday I believe . His name was George. I feel really bad for him, and everyone who knew him. He shouldn't have died... R.I.P George Friesen 7/15/2013. I have a job; I had two jobs for a while so I almost always have money. My jobs are babysitting this little girl Dakota, and it is hell. Serious hell. My other job was working as a caretaker for Mary Ann (a lady who had a stroke and couldn't use her left arm). Overall, the job with Mary Ann payed well, and I liked it.

I miss my friends though, me and Rachel got in a fight and she called me a whore and such. Its gotten to me, I know I am. She's right. I am a whore and I'm ugly, but why does she have to remind me? She is also dating Gage, a ex of mine. I cheated on him. Not on purpose but it still counts. I had sex with a guy, he wouldn't take no for an answer. I told Gage right away, but it still doesn't justify it. I haven't really talked to Austin, Kellin, or Becca all summer :c I miss them terribly.

Anywhore, it's 4:01 I have work at 7. I get up at 6, and work all the way to 5. It's hell but I need the money, so I better get SOME sleep. Good night <3

5/17/2013

My boyfriend cannot fathom on how much I freaked about him screaming for me, he is sooooo good and he doesn't believe me that he is amazing merp. I have PTV stuck in my head hence the picture above lol. I cut today, not bad but just enough to bleed... I feel so much better now... Things had gotten pretty bad between me and my nickers but everything is okay now(: I didn't go to school today: I was sick so I just sat around watching Ouran High School Host Club (AMAZZZEHING), sleeping, messaging, and facetiming my Nick. Im watching Nick play with his adorable dog, Sam... and now Nick is playing around with a cup my little dork <3

Me with my heart (a long time ago)

5/14/2013

Today has sucked...

majorly....

Everything is falling apart, and I can't even keep it together. I'm trying to stay strong and not let my anxieties get to me but they are slowly crippling me. I wish I could just fly away from everything and never come back. Just forget my history, my past, all my worries... poof... gone, I wish things were that simple but they aren't. I'm just a pathetic emo kid lost in a huge vast world full of terrible things.... I feel very pathetic today... I probably just should shut up because NO ONE CARES!!!!! Unless you are pretty or dead...

5/13/2013

My birthday was 11 days ago. I am now 16, two more years till I'm able to buy cigarettes and stuff of that like. Meh. Anyway, I got a whole bunch of clothes for my birthday and Im listening to Steve scream "Whoppers!" I am sooooo hot right now it's so warm and I can't take my sweatshirt off because my cuts will show. Anyway I almost died last Thursday, a crazy guy was threatening to kill me and my therapist... yeah not fun. >.< Anyway I am writing this at school because I have already finished researching for my art project final(: Anyway I am so excited for this summer I get to talk to my baby with no CURFEW....Steve thinks I'm having a baby this summer, hes so stupid, but I love him and his mustard fetish ^u^ Oh I stretched my ears they are at 14s right now... Im probably going to 8s or maybe even 0s


"HJi I am stephen I LOOOOOOOVE NMYSSSTARRRRDDDQ! YEEEAAAAHHHH! WHOOOOO!"

There is "Steve" for you....

Anyway I've been better about not cutting and Im starting to eat healthier instead of starving, and Im going to start working out. I am probably going on a pro-ana diet though... It will be nice! Finals are coming up and I think Im going to be okay, I only have a Bio final and Alg. final!

4/22/2013

4/22/2013




Three words:

I. AM. DEAD.

I feel so dead it's not even funny. I don't want to be at school right now, but I don't even want to be home either. Someone please save me. Does anyone care at all??

2/12/13

Herro people!

Before school, doing random shit in the library! Lol this is going to be fairly short. I'll start updating more often then what I have been(: Meow <3 I wanted to shout out and congratulate my friend Myranda for getting a new boy toy YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! Love you all <3 Have a good day rawr Austin is a dork!!

2/4/2013

My baby is in the mental hospital and I misss him so much :'( My life is nothing without him. I feel dead. Otherwise Im okay, I quit smoking, and haven't cut. I went and saw Warm Bodies with my friend Myranda I cried 3 times during that movie it was so fucking aodrable!!!! I'm in school right now, I've become addicted to tumblr, facebook, and instagram I'll post the links to all that when I get home! FOLLOW MEH <3 I larve my Ipod and I have a ortho appointment, I think I will be getting my braces off soon YAYAYAYAYAY xD anyway besides that life is just well life. Other then the

1/16/2013

1.  Cut 46 times today
2. Smoked two cigarettes.
3. Ate 3 carrots, and some salad once in the past three days.
4. Had finals last week,most stressful shit ever.
5. Had an anxiety attack, threw up four times and fainted once.
6. My lungs hurt (no wonder).
7. I miss Nick and wish he lived here.
8. My friend is turning in to a psychotic psychopath who believes werewolves, vampires, and witches exist.
9. My nose is like clogged up.
10. My throat hurts.
11. I feel achy and dizzy all the time.
12. Its 12:53 and I'm still up.
13. I wish I was pretty.
14. I am still wondering if anyone truly cares about me.
15. I don't want to go to school.

FML.

1/15/2013

2:25 in the fucking morning...

and I'm still awake, doing what you might ask? Skyping. Whom you may ask? My best friend Becca Fuckner xD I'm kidding it's Faulkner. We've been talking about the randomest shit for three hours. We're both tired but we can't sleep hahaha fuck anxiety/depression. Anywho, I had an okay day today I walked around in Walmart and bought some new shampoo YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! Then facetimed Nick til his stupid mother shut off the wifi. Meh lol I've only cut like 6 times in the last week and a half(: All thanks to two very important people in my life Nick Sherer and Becca Faulkner. These two kidds are my life and without them I would be lost, alone, and dead. I mean they help me through everything and not to mention Becca gets me cigarettes (BOW TO THE FUCKING WOW) Meh Im so addicted to tumblr it's like a serious problem... is there such a thing as like tumblression like an obession with tumblr? Meow. Anyway Ima stop randomly typing shit and get talking to Bex now.... good night MORNING mooothafooters (; Larve yo' faces and fuck yo' mamas.... <3